Saturday, February 28, 2009

I miss my family

Coming up on month two back in the States; I'm several steps further along in the selection process here, so that's a good thing I suppose. If I sound ambivalent, it's because I am.. I miss my wife and daughter desperately. This is the longest I've ever been away from them, and it's complete torture. I honestly don't know how military families do this, sometimes for years.. if anything has ever taught me to appreciate the sacrifices they make, it's this experience.

Growing up I was never really that close to anyone; I won't say that my family was cold, but we are rather distant. I always saw that as a strength, but in later years I began to despair of ever really having a meaningful connection with anyone. When I met and married my wife, I knew that I loved her, but I was never really sure if it went beyond the rather vague feelings that I have for the rest of my people. It felt like more, but was it really?

When Emily was born, my universe exploded, and I had no more doubts on that score.. but I still never really appreciated just how critical those two people are to me, until I had to be away from them like this. I am literally heartsick, which is something I have never really experienced before. I do not care for it, and I almost find myself hoping that I will fail out of testing just so that I can fly home to them.

If I am successful in my current endeavor, it's going to be another three months before I get to hold them in my arms again. Good God this is torture.


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